my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
