RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
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