I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
