I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Randomize
