The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
