it was a shit show
We all have our days. But yours might be on the internet.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Randomize
