I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
The karaoke bar doesnt have electric avenue. Ill just have to pick another song and sing the lyrics to electric avenue
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
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