When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
is wine microwaveable?
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize