from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
