Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
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