Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
