i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
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