Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
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