I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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