Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Randomize
