my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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