You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
Randomize
