I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
is it fun? or sober?
Randomize