he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize