I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
