There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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