i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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