Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Randomize
