I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
