Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Randomize
