I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
