you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
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