So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Honest opinion...too aggressive to bring the funnel out to the bar? Also just so you know im at the bar. with the funnel.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
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