i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
