i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
