I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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