Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I stole a fireplace last night.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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