I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
Randomize
