I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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