I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
