i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Randomize
