Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
