Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
i think my cat just said my name.
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize