My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
