I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
just tell him i said nine months
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
