i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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