How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
