please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize