dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
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