I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
He must hate going to the bathroom. Every time he does he is reminded how small his dick is.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
