M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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