I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
