My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
