He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Randomize
