Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
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