Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
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