you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize