How'd it feel making her break her religion?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Randomize
