All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
