When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Randomize