Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
