I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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