I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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