omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
