i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
