I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
