When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
