My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
He passed out mid-signature
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
