Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
There's something fitting about a hot in-car interracial makeout to the tune of 'healing the world.' RIP Mike.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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