I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
you would pick up someone in the library
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
