Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
