Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Who died my cat blue again?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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